An Ode to Steven Thomas

The following rewriting of Pulp’s Common People song is about Steven Thomas, from my perspective, who is a regular visitor to my website who wanted to see me fail in politics, but then never stood against me in an election.

He came from Newtown Llantwit, shelf-stacking was his desire,
he worked as a manager at the Tesco Extra.
that’s where I,
caught his eye.

He told me that he sold Nuts and Loaded,
I said “In that case I’ll have The Times and GQ.”
He said “Fine.”
and in thirty seconds time he said,

“I want to live like educated people,
I want to do whatever educated people do,
I want to sleep with educated people,
I want to sleep with educated people,
you know who.”

Well what else could I do –
I said “I’ll see what I can do.”
I took him to a lecturer theatre,
I don’t know why but I had to start it somewhere,
so it started there.

I said pretend you’ve got a degree,
she just laughed and said,
“Oh you’re so funny.”
I said “yeah?
Well I can’t see anyone else smiling in here.

Are you sure you want to live like educated people,
you want to see whatever educated people see,
you want to sleep with educated people,
you want to sleep with educated people,
like one can see.”

But he didn’t understand,
he just smiled and spoke in slang.
Rent a flat above a shop,
buy some books and get a grant.

Smoke some fags and play some pool,
pretend you aced it at school.

But still you’ll never get it right,
cos when you’re laid in bed at night,
watching roaches climb the wall,
if you call your Mam she could stop it all.

You’ll never live like educated people,
you’ll never do what educated people do,
you’ll never sail through like educated people,
you’ll never watch your social mobility grow,
so just dance and drink and screw,
like all students like to do.

Sing along with the educated people,
sing along and it might just get you through,
laugh along with the educated people,
laugh along even though they’re laughing at you,
and the stupid things that you do.
Because you think that not enrolling is cool.

He said: “I want to live like educated people,
I want to do whatever educated people do,
I want to sleep with educated people,
I want to sleep with educated people,
you know who.”

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